Saving Suave

Gentlemen and Various Intrepid Souls:

Something is broken in society, and it’s not just my Toyota’s brakes. There was a day when men spoke ease and sardonic wit. They carried themselves with confidence and whenever a damsel was in distress, they knew how to rescue her with style. They didn’t need money to put on a class act or a high-powered job to charm couture ladies. Let’s face it boys, these men had game.

Today, the story is much different. The towering giants of testosterone men once looked to for instruction like Bogart and Grant are gone and forgotten. Today we’re more like Jonah Hill: fat, and unkept. Shlubs like Jonah couldn’t land Lauren Bacall, much less toss her a matchbook with a debonair flick of his wrist.

Modern men are scared by everything and they let it show; whether it’s their latte being too hot and steamed with 2% milk rather than soy, or worrying about whether or not Jen will ever find the right guy. They Tweet their moods and think that just because they can tell the world about everything they’re doing some dame will notice and find it attractive. Good luck with that stunad.

What’s missing is Suavity: a thick lather of class to recondition us and forever remove the dandruff of aloofness from our shoulders.

Unfortunately, being suave isn’t easy. It takes a lot to get to the top and stay there. The perfect look, a simple hand gesture, and the one-liner are elemental keys that almost defy mastery. Life is the game, and suavity is like memorizing the Trivial Pursuit cards. Nothing surprises you, and if it does, no one would know.

The MOTMB are here to give you those Trivial Pursuit cards. If you need charm, wit, and a dash of sophistication—swag, as it were—look no further. To start with, we’ll equip you with two simple words of wisdom. Whether you leave these bloodied and forgotten on the side of the road, or take them home and nourish them is your own choice, but choose wisely.

W.O.W. #1 – If Nero was Emperor, Why Aren’t You?  

·      Are we stupid? Probably. A little ugly? Undoubtedly. Inbred and crazy? Hopefully not and most certainly. Before we get too down on ourselves, lets remember this: Crazy people rule kingdoms all the time. If a full-on retard can become emperor of Rome, a man of mild intelligence like you can certainly become ruler of his domain. If you don’t know how to be in control, act like you do, most people will never tell the difference.

W.O.W # 2 – Study and Quote The Classics

·      Several professors may be beaming at this suggestion, but I’m not talking about the Great Books Program. I’m talking about The True Classics: Bogart, Grant, Brando, Newman, Citizen Kane, and Bugs Bunny. Study these fellows and practice their moves. Most importantly, steal their lines. Everything great has already been said, and most of what that funny guy you know says is recycled from old movies anyway. It’s time you pulled a 'Specs' O'Keefe and stole some lines of your own.

If you remember nothing else, remember this: The only thing you owe the public is a good performance, so let ‘em have it.