Traditions and folklore passed down from days of yore have taught us many things: moss always grows on the north side of trees, cows lie down before it rains, frogs don’t run in the daytime for nothing, there was bloodshed the night before a red dawn, pirates won’t chase a dirty ship, the toilets flush the opposite way below the equator - I digress.
One of the most sacred traditions passed down is that of the Wingman. The Wingman is a concept as old as stones, and one that should not be taken lightly. This tradition stands head and shoulders above all others that have been given to us from the past. Glory’s trail has been blazed not by the lone wolf, but by two men, brothers in arms valiantly beating the odds. Gilgamesh had his Enkido, the Lion had his Mouse, Lewis his Clark, Sinatra had Martin, and Batman would be nowhere without Alfred Pennyworth.
The only problem with Wingmen is they’re hard to find. It’s pretty common to find yourself in the O.K. Coral but it’s not every day that you’ll have a Doc Holiday with you. Why is this? The answer should be obvious: The Wingman almost never gets the girl, fame, or whatever it is you’re searching for. Robin dresses in only underwear and when was the last time you saw Rizzo the Rat out on the town with Miss Piggy? No one wants this job. The difficulty lies in finding someone willing to make you look good at all costs.
Look for these traits in prospective Wingmen. If you can get a lock on someone that demonstrates the below qualities, you’ll avoid ending up Goose.
#1 - Loyalty:
· There’s nothing more important than this. You need a Wingman that is willing to die for you when the situation calls. If it’s about to hit the fan, your Wingman better not split. Make sure you’re willing to do the same for him.
#2 – Understand the Same Language:
· Forget English, your Wingman should be able to communicate telepathically with you. If you’re really he’ll know a buzzword.
#3 – Know the Buzzwords
· Buzzwords are useful. They should be references to common experiences or personal interests. For instance, my buddies and I can completely describe a girl using nothing other than stock trading and banking terminology. Bullish? Damn straight.
#4 – Work a Crowd
· Everyone has an opening act. Bands, monster truck rallies, even Stephen Colbert. Why shouldn’t you have one too? Enter Wingman. Just be sure he’s not funnier than you. If he is, time to start your search over again.
#5 – He Pumps You Up
· Sometimes you need a coach and a motivator. Your Wingman should be able to pump you up and pull you out of a slump. He needs to be able to provide an outside perspective on what’s going on and tell you when to take on a target or sit the next few plays out.
Don’t even think about going through life without a good Wingman, you’ll be lost. If it's good enough for fighter pilots it should be good enough for you. You need someone to provide you with strategic intelligence to help you navigate rocky terrain. He’s like a coach: you’re better at the game than him, but someone has to provide strategy and keep you together.
When all else fails, remember: The only thing you owe the public is a good performance, so give it to 'em.
Gentlemen and Various Intrepid Souls:
Something is broken in society, and it’s not just my Toyota’s brakes. There was a day when men spoke ease and sardonic wit. They carried themselves with confidence and whenever a damsel was in distress, they knew how to rescue her with style. They didn’t need money to put on a class act or a high-powered job to charm couture ladies. Let’s face it boys, these men had game.
Today, the story is much different. The towering giants of testosterone men once looked to for instruction like Bogart and Grant are gone and forgotten. Today we’re more like Jonah Hill: fat, and unkept. Shlubs like Jonah couldn’t land Lauren Bacall, much less toss her a matchbook with a debonair flick of his wrist.
Modern men are scared by everything and they let it show; whether it’s their latte being too hot and steamed with 2% milk rather than soy, or worrying about whether or not Jen will ever find the right guy. They Tweet their moods and think that just because they can tell the world about everything they’re doing some dame will notice and find it attractive. Good luck with that stunad.
What’s missing is Suavity: a thick lather of class to recondition us and forever remove the dandruff of aloofness from our shoulders.
Unfortunately, being suave isn’t easy. It takes a lot to get to the top and stay there. The perfect look, a simple hand gesture, and the one-liner are elemental keys that almost defy mastery. Life is the game, and suavity is like memorizing the Trivial Pursuit cards. Nothing surprises you, and if it does, no one would know.
The MOTMB are here to give you those Trivial Pursuit cards. If you need charm, wit, and a dash of sophistication—swag, as it were—look no further. To start with, we’ll equip you with two simple words of wisdom. Whether you leave these bloodied and forgotten on the side of the road, or take them home and nourish them is your own choice, but choose wisely.
W.O.W. #1 – If Nero was Emperor, Why Aren’t You?
· Are we stupid? Probably. A little ugly? Undoubtedly. Inbred and crazy? Hopefully not and most certainly. Before we get too down on ourselves, lets remember this: Crazy people rule kingdoms all the time. If a full-on retard can become emperor of Rome, a man of mild intelligence like you can certainly become ruler of his domain. If you don’t know how to be in control, act like you do, most people will never tell the difference.
W.O.W # 2 – Study and Quote The Classics
· Several professors may be beaming at this suggestion, but I’m not talking about the Great Books Program. I’m talking about The True Classics: Bogart, Grant, Brando, Newman, Citizen Kane, and Bugs Bunny. Study these fellows and practice their moves. Most importantly, steal their lines. Everything great has already been said, and most of what that funny guy you know says is recycled from old movies anyway. It’s time you pulled a 'Specs' O'Keefe and stole some lines of your own.
If you remember nothing else, remember this: The only thing you owe the public is a good performance, so let ‘em have it.
