Contact Solution

How did you get here?

All right, breathe.  You’re whipped. That’s right, you’ve fallen head over heels, given up control of your life, and been poisoned like an innocent bystander of a chemical leak. We’ll get you out of here, and make sure that you stay in control next time.

The initial contact was probably innocent, and you were probably naive. This is how it always begins – you meet a girl, strike up a conversation, and make your move. This is your first mistake; never make a move at the first meeting. By letting her know that you are interested, you are opening up Pandora’s box and taking the first step towards getting whipped. Now, I know what you’re thinking, showing interest always shows confidence, right? Wrong.

You need a new contact solution. All the Hollister-clad, Sidekick-toting, long-haired boys at the local outdoor mall have got the old stratagem covered – they are practically begging for attention. As a man you must be mildly indifferent. Keep her in suspense and you’ll keep yourself out of the doghouse. Your chances improve with each second you resist her attempts, and, like every mathematical equation, you will gradually move towards one hundred percent success. However, there are a few rules. Check these out and you’ll be the top dog in little or no time.

1. There are always limits. If you’ve taken calculus, you know that every equation has its limits. By resisting for too long, you take yourself out of her league. She will move on, and you will draw up plans to bomb the offices of the MOTMB. Both cases would be a shame, and we’re rather fond of our respective apartments. Therefore, as you approach the limit, change your tactics. Know when to turn the cold shoulder into a warm and inviting place for her to lay her head.

2. Do not waste your time. While you’re hiding your interest, do not simply do nothing; work on your game, but avoid showing too much interest in other girls (jealousy knows no bounds). Rather get to know the girls she spends her time with. Not only will this give you extra opportunities to spend time with her, but you will get to know her even better than she will let you herself. Build your friend resume, and in turn, her friends will build rapport with your girl.

3. Let your eyes do the talking. Nothing ruins your chances like talking too much. Worse, if you hang on her every word, try to be funny, and text her every time you take out your phone, she will be in control. As a man, you are better than that. Instead, keep the conversations simple, be yourself, and make her text you every once in a while. Finally, if she makes prolonged eye contact in trying to tell what you are thinking, you're one the home stretch.

4. Finally, do not date before you go on a date. If she’s a friend, don’t try to pay for her coffee out of the blue; she’ll be caught off guard. Do it again, and it will become a routine that won’t get you anywhere. Be a gentleman, but if you are going to shell out your hard-earned cash on a regular basis, man up and ask her out.

Relationships are all about partnership. Don’t get your girlfriend’s trust, only to abuse that trust on a regular basis. You wouldn’t want to be whipped for her, and she probably doesn’t want to be whipped for you. Take control of your half of the bargain by following this contact solution and starting the relationship off on the right foot; it’s the first step down a man-approved road.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

Losing With Class

I think men need to learn how to lose.

You may disagree with what I just said. You, the solid specimen of a man that you are, may turn up your nose at the first sentence of this post and say in a snotty voice, "But, I don't need to know how to lose. I never lose." Good for you, buddy. I think you're in denial though. We both know you don't have a perfect record. No one does. Even Lance Armstrong gets third.

Just for clarification, what I am not saying is that you shouldn't win. A man who gives up on winning is hardly a man. What I am saying is that sometimes you will lose. When you do, it's always good to be prepared because the greatest measure of a man is not how he reacts when he wins, but rather how he responds to defeat. 

 For those times when you lose, and you and I know that you have/will, I want to offer three things to remember. 

1) Keep your cool. 

No one, especially women, likes the guy who erupts like Vesuvius every time he loses. Being upset when you lose isn't bad. You should be a little angry when you lose. If you're not upset after you lose, go to your doctor and get a physical just to make sure you're a man. There is a fine line between being upset and making a fool of yourself, however. Tantrums aren't cool. They never have been. When you lose take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and hold your head high. Take it like a man. 

2) It's a war, not a battle.

Keeping a future focus is key. My life motto is "live to win." Living to win is getting up after a defeat and pressing on. Tomorrow is a new day ready to be conquered. And you will conquer it. Every man has to maintain a paradoxical mentality that combines an unyielding drive for victory and a willingness to accept defeat. This mindset is aided by keeping a long term view. Remembering that victory isn't achieved, or forfeited, in a day is key. 

3) Study the greats. 

The avid followers of this blog (all two of you) may remember a previous post that included this point, but I think it is worth repeating. When it comes to losing with class, one of the easiest ways to learn is to study men who set an example. Robert E. Lee is a superb example of this. With everything on the line- his home, his job, his country- he took it on the chin. Imitation is not only the sincerest form of flattery, it is also the easiest way to master a skill.

Difficulty will arise. Because of this, every man stumbles and falls occasionally. A man who lives a life free of challenge and opposition is not living life at all. I repeat for emphasis: the true test of any man is not how he conducts himself when the sailing is smooth. The examination begins when he encounters a storm.

Sail on my friends.  

Don't Make a Scene

Yesterday, I watched as a classic situation played out on the green lawn in Central Park. A man spoke to his woman in raised tones, complaining that she 'did not understand his new scene.' Apart from his association of himself with a scene, my response was 'Methinks the lady doth protest too much.' However, despite my initial reaction, I later found myself wondering, 'does she?'

Unlike our guy, a man must always take great care to define his personal life through the words he uses and the actions he takes. As in the writing of literature, gross stereotypes and pithy jokes may be effectual in the short term, but true artistry requires a determined and refined approach.

For instance, characterizing oneself through the adoption of distinctive lifestyle choices will give you one of three things: a strong presence and prominence in a group, an exceptionally blasé deportment, or worse. While not everyone wants to be the center of attention, very few want to blend in with the wallpaper. Alternately, you could even grow up to become an oversized bro - misfit, ultra tan, and wearing Ed Hardy. No bueno. As a male, know what you are; know what you want to be and achieve that. If you're unsure, it's time to go to the tailor.

Fortunately, you are prepared to man up and strive for a strong personal presence. In following the Man Blog, you’ve made your first step towards greatness; it only remains to embark upon an exciting quest for a well-tailored character. Take these three style tips to heart, apply the base concepts to your personality, and you will never have to explain your 'scene' to a protesting female.

1. Choose the right pair of oxfords. When determining what defines your personality, you must choose the aspects that are able to go to the end of the world (and back) with you. Some may equate this with their dashing sense of humor and ability to see the funny side of every situation, while others pack a sparkling wit and an innate sense of direction. Like a snug pair of shoes, this foundational part of you must endure what the street-level demons throws at you – be it mud, dust of the road, or even a well placed taxi.

2. Select a practical tie. Face it – your tie should define you more clearly than your nametag. Too wide, you seem overstated and wordy; too slim, you appear mysterious and even dangerously unsubstantive (though there is a setting for skinny ties). Similarly, some behaviors will always define you. Your treatment of women, choice of words, appreciation of friends, and knowledge of man skills are your tie. Choose them wisely, and the world will notice.

3. Search for the perfect jacket. World War II wasn’t won in a day, Ross Perot didn’t get votes with his first chart, and the first jacket you wear won’t fit like a glove. Granted, Perot still doesn’t get votes, but with effort, you will find a sport coat that seems like it was made for you. Lifestyles evolve and become more complex as the years go on. Though yours will change with your age, take care when considering rebuilding it altogether. Yes, alterations need to be made, but like the sport coat, finding one that fits well is a rare experience. Hold on to what holds you together.

The worst possible thing that could happen to a band with their sophomore release is a change in musical style; likewise, the worst possible thing you can do is change your behavior when it's working for you. Unlike Daniel Powter, you want more than fifteen minutes of fame. Commit yourself to an approach and continue to improve upon your imperfections or you'll end up with more than a 'Bad Day'. Take a step in the right direction, follow through, keep moving, and you will be on your way to a well-tailored disposition in no time.

As always,

Godspeed.

MOTMB

The Killer Pri

Brethren,

A storm approaches our fair shores.

I am not referring to the droves of locust-like tourist that crowd our streets, or the Hollister graphic tees that blind our eyes. Despite the dire situation caused by the aforementioned social illnesses, this storm is taking lives at a far greater pace, striking with a much higher mortality rate.

As the end of spring nears, we must address this casualty in our midst. In times of such trouble, any loss can prove catastrophic; this is no exception.

Gentlemen, this killer is the ‘man-pri’.

Men in our fair city – and around the nation – are taking their European-inspired metrosexuality for a spin, donning an overly long pair of tight shorts or extremely short khakis that resemble women’s capris, and shamelessly flaunting their pale ankles.  In summary, our brothers resemble our old nemesis as they cruise the streets of the city in search of a clueless woman that will mistake their miserable mishaps as a "fashion-forward" statement.

We must end such atrocities. The murder of manhood cannot be tolerated.

But what can the average Joe do to save his country? He must destroy every victim. Kill the manpris, before they kill you. Shop for yourself, even when your significant other offers her advice. Above all, wear manly shorts. Don’t hesitate in the limbo between trousers and their cool-minded cousins! If you choose to show your ankles, present the world with the entirety your God-given leg hair! Take hold of your time to shine and live to win this summer.

I realize that the brevity of this post may shock readers hoping for sharp, witty, anecdotes or sage wisdom. However, touching stories and cheap laughs come second to these horrific tragedies. Stay strong.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

The Daily Doodle

FIG. 4 - Fire-Breathing Penguin Doodle

NOTE : This doodle was completed by the artist in 30 seconds as part of a challenge.