Drink It In

Life is a workout. There are the gym rats (the adrenaline junkies) and the couch potatoes (still the couch potatoes). People find worth in the ratio of effort they invest to the results they obtain. Some are content to live their lives at a relatively low level of productivity, while others overwork themselves.

Like the thousands that seem stranded on a treadmill for the greater part of their lives, these people seem have a 'life metabolism' that doesn’t quite put them in the same category as the so-called winners. We witness hundreds of fellow humans being put through the ringer on a daily basis; whether it’s your Starbucks Barista, the divorcee behind you in line, or Lindsey Lohan’s haggard face staring out at you from the front page of the paper, everyone gets tested. Yet, for the most part (Miss Lohan aside), we endure. Why?

The answer is in the protein shake we drink every day.

Well, maybe it’s not just the perfectly-concocted beverage you ingest after your workout that’s keeping you alive, but also the rich blend of human contact that enables you to accept, face, and embrace the not-so-warm reality found in your life.

Let’s begin with a brief analogy. A staple of any serious athlete’s workout is the protein shake. Stereotyped as an expression of narcissism and a self-centered lifestyle (like this guy), the lengthy train of amino acids does its part in holding humans everywhere together.

Similarly, friends are like protein in our lives. We build chains of interactions that provide us with meaning. Whether these lead to spiritual or relational discovery, they are the roots of our existence. With their help, we can drink it in and enjoy every moment.

However, as men, we must examine our everyday relationships with as much care as we take in achieving a healthy existence. Do we take friends at their face value, or do we tend to sugar coat our interactions with them? Sure, a good milkshake really takes the edge off on a carb-loading day, but is that what we need to be ingesting on a regular basis?

As a good friend of mine once taught me, protein provides the most efficient benefit ratio when combined with a simple glass of water. Unadulterated, pure, and significantly less appetizing, this solution merely serves its purpose (without serving up a spare tire).

True friends are hard to come by, and it is important to treat them as contributors to your life, rather than members of your entourage. Before you know it, you'll be Mel Gibson and they'll be the lowly paparazzi. Instead, consider this: when life really gets to you, do you take your protein with water, or with a double scoop of Chubby Hubby and a ungodly amount of caramel sauce? One may taste better, but you know where it leads in the long run. Choose wisely, my friends.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

This post is dedicated to Blake, Gebert, and their love of the gym.

Carpe Some Diem

Another school year comes and goes. For those of us in college, school is wrapping up and the summer is upon us. Although the school year is worthy of volumes full of articles, I want to talk about the summer.

While I was growing up the summer was a magical time of year, not in a Disney sort of magical- more like a manly, Lord of The Rings kind of magical. There were canoe trips to take, baseball to play, and lawns to mow. (Irrelevant aside: I love mowing the lawn. I will be the grumpy old man across the street who turns feral while protecting his lawn.) Back to how it's magical. Time slows down in the summer. That's what makes it so special, so significant. During the cold months, the months some wise soul designated as the school year, everyone puts their head down and shoulders their way through week after week of bleak, monotonous work. In the city it's evident when summer has arrived to banish the gray winter. Instead of wrapping wool pea coats tighter and dashing from building to building through inclement weather, New Yorkers stroll from place to place holding their heads high, as if they were plants drinking in the warm rays.

Enough of waxing eloquent though. What I mean to talk about is how time slows down in the summer. The clock seems to tick a little slower, the sun a little more hesitant to set. Before now I had always seen this slower pace as a yearly novelty in May, a fact of life in June, and then a nuisance in July and August. That is what I mean to change this summer. I want to make every day, May through August, a "May day." I want to view every long, sun-soaked summer day as an opportunity to live life.

My good man Ben Franklin once said, "If time be of all things most precious, wasting time must be the greatest prodigality, since lost time is never found again; and what we call time enough always proves little enough." If in the summer we have the most time to burn, we then risk the "greatest prodigality" most in the sunny months (Those of you with jobs: between weekends and free nights, there is time enough to waste). 


This is my challenge then to all the men who read the Man Blog: don't waste the summer. Use it as a time to improve yourself; read a great book (I recommend anything Jeff Shaara or David McCullough for those of you looking for something to read), cultivate a manly hobby (I spent a bit of the start of my break working on my angling), just find something productive to do (people with jobs: if you are hard-pressed for free time focus on developing your work ethic, as a man a strong work ethic is invaluable).


Don't let these months pass you by. Each month will run by faster than the previous one. Seize each day. Carpe some diem. I am by no means a master at this. We are all in this together. I wrote this post mostly as a challenge to myself, and only a little bit for the benefit of you readers. Sorry, but I feel like I am entitled to be self-serving on my own blog. Still, I am rooting for all of you. If cheerleading were manly (a topic for another post- perhaps that one will generate some comments), you could think of me as your cheerleader throughout the summer. 


The bottom line is that this will not be a lazy summer. It will be a summer of growth and good times. Let's live this summer.

Hymn No. 3 – Morning People

Every guy knows that some nights are sanctioned time with his lady interest or significant other. However, the wise realize that the morning (yes, even Mondays) can be an even better time to build both confidence and friendship in the female department. Now this doesn’t mean that you should show up at her house in the early dawn hours, but, at the very least, it does improve your advantage by sheer hours invested. As in any area of life, more time invested translates into greater skill and knowledge. Therefore, knowing how to take advantage of the early hours is crucial.

1. Know your PPF (Production Possibility Frontier). Know what you’re capable of, play to your strengths, and focus on the goal at hand. In short, don’t waste your character “capital”. If you have hidden talents, keep them hidden for a while, but don’t let the world forget that they ever existed. Even if you’re not the best guitar player on the block, certain things will always enhance your appeal despite a remedial skill level. These things show her that you’re living life beyond the dull world of school or work.

2. Use your morning sector. Men often forget to exercise the morning sector of the PPF. Instead, we wander sleepily to the subway or coffee shop, and are caught off guard when an opportunity arises. While a select few can afford it, don’t make those critical errors. In addition, being awake an alert will help you with your classes or (work function) as well; it’s a win-win situation.

3. It’s the simple things. Having a coherent conversation in the elevator, breaking the ice with well-placed humor, and opening doors when you’d rather be in bed do a lot to gain favor with the fairer sex. If you’re still asleep, or wishing you were elsewhere, you will pass up rare opportunities and lose your wings before you even get off of the ground. Instead, choose to take the straight and narrow road of pre-noon activity and she’ll choose you as the object of her affection.

Though the morning can be a great time to meet someone new, building rapport with the lady folk before noon is also an invaluable asset. Not only will you be taking advantage of a time most forget and giving yourself an edge, but you will also be juxtaposing yourself with the rest of the crowd. While they are in bed, you are ahead. Following the aforementioned rules and staying awake will put you a notch above the rest. Remember, the early bird gets the worm.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

Contact Solution

How did you get here?

All right, breathe.  You’re whipped. That’s right, you’ve fallen head over heels, given up control of your life, and been poisoned like an innocent bystander of a chemical leak. We’ll get you out of here, and make sure that you stay in control next time.

The initial contact was probably innocent, and you were probably naive. This is how it always begins – you meet a girl, strike up a conversation, and make your move. This is your first mistake; never make a move at the first meeting. By letting her know that you are interested, you are opening up Pandora’s box and taking the first step towards getting whipped. Now, I know what you’re thinking, showing interest always shows confidence, right? Wrong.

You need a new contact solution. All the Hollister-clad, Sidekick-toting, long-haired boys at the local outdoor mall have got the old stratagem covered – they are practically begging for attention. As a man you must be mildly indifferent. Keep her in suspense and you’ll keep yourself out of the doghouse. Your chances improve with each second you resist her attempts, and, like every mathematical equation, you will gradually move towards one hundred percent success. However, there are a few rules. Check these out and you’ll be the top dog in little or no time.

1. There are always limits. If you’ve taken calculus, you know that every equation has its limits. By resisting for too long, you take yourself out of her league. She will move on, and you will draw up plans to bomb the offices of the MOTMB. Both cases would be a shame, and we’re rather fond of our respective apartments. Therefore, as you approach the limit, change your tactics. Know when to turn the cold shoulder into a warm and inviting place for her to lay her head.

2. Do not waste your time. While you’re hiding your interest, do not simply do nothing; work on your game, but avoid showing too much interest in other girls (jealousy knows no bounds). Rather get to know the girls she spends her time with. Not only will this give you extra opportunities to spend time with her, but you will get to know her even better than she will let you herself. Build your friend resume, and in turn, her friends will build rapport with your girl.

3. Let your eyes do the talking. Nothing ruins your chances like talking too much. Worse, if you hang on her every word, try to be funny, and text her every time you take out your phone, she will be in control. As a man, you are better than that. Instead, keep the conversations simple, be yourself, and make her text you every once in a while. Finally, if she makes prolonged eye contact in trying to tell what you are thinking, you're one the home stretch.

4. Finally, do not date before you go on a date. If she’s a friend, don’t try to pay for her coffee out of the blue; she’ll be caught off guard. Do it again, and it will become a routine that won’t get you anywhere. Be a gentleman, but if you are going to shell out your hard-earned cash on a regular basis, man up and ask her out.

Relationships are all about partnership. Don’t get your girlfriend’s trust, only to abuse that trust on a regular basis. You wouldn’t want to be whipped for her, and she probably doesn’t want to be whipped for you. Take control of your half of the bargain by following this contact solution and starting the relationship off on the right foot; it’s the first step down a man-approved road.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

Losing With Class

I think men need to learn how to lose.

You may disagree with what I just said. You, the solid specimen of a man that you are, may turn up your nose at the first sentence of this post and say in a snotty voice, "But, I don't need to know how to lose. I never lose." Good for you, buddy. I think you're in denial though. We both know you don't have a perfect record. No one does. Even Lance Armstrong gets third.

Just for clarification, what I am not saying is that you shouldn't win. A man who gives up on winning is hardly a man. What I am saying is that sometimes you will lose. When you do, it's always good to be prepared because the greatest measure of a man is not how he reacts when he wins, but rather how he responds to defeat. 

 For those times when you lose, and you and I know that you have/will, I want to offer three things to remember. 

1) Keep your cool. 

No one, especially women, likes the guy who erupts like Vesuvius every time he loses. Being upset when you lose isn't bad. You should be a little angry when you lose. If you're not upset after you lose, go to your doctor and get a physical just to make sure you're a man. There is a fine line between being upset and making a fool of yourself, however. Tantrums aren't cool. They never have been. When you lose take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and hold your head high. Take it like a man. 

2) It's a war, not a battle.

Keeping a future focus is key. My life motto is "live to win." Living to win is getting up after a defeat and pressing on. Tomorrow is a new day ready to be conquered. And you will conquer it. Every man has to maintain a paradoxical mentality that combines an unyielding drive for victory and a willingness to accept defeat. This mindset is aided by keeping a long term view. Remembering that victory isn't achieved, or forfeited, in a day is key. 

3) Study the greats. 

The avid followers of this blog (all two of you) may remember a previous post that included this point, but I think it is worth repeating. When it comes to losing with class, one of the easiest ways to learn is to study men who set an example. Robert E. Lee is a superb example of this. With everything on the line- his home, his job, his country- he took it on the chin. Imitation is not only the sincerest form of flattery, it is also the easiest way to master a skill.

Difficulty will arise. Because of this, every man stumbles and falls occasionally. A man who lives a life free of challenge and opposition is not living life at all. I repeat for emphasis: the true test of any man is not how he conducts himself when the sailing is smooth. The examination begins when he encounters a storm.

Sail on my friends.  

Don't Make a Scene

Yesterday, I watched as a classic situation played out on the green lawn in Central Park. A man spoke to his woman in raised tones, complaining that she 'did not understand his new scene.' Apart from his association of himself with a scene, my response was 'Methinks the lady doth protest too much.' However, despite my initial reaction, I later found myself wondering, 'does she?'

Unlike our guy, a man must always take great care to define his personal life through the words he uses and the actions he takes. As in the writing of literature, gross stereotypes and pithy jokes may be effectual in the short term, but true artistry requires a determined and refined approach.

For instance, characterizing oneself through the adoption of distinctive lifestyle choices will give you one of three things: a strong presence and prominence in a group, an exceptionally blasé deportment, or worse. While not everyone wants to be the center of attention, very few want to blend in with the wallpaper. Alternately, you could even grow up to become an oversized bro - misfit, ultra tan, and wearing Ed Hardy. No bueno. As a male, know what you are; know what you want to be and achieve that. If you're unsure, it's time to go to the tailor.

Fortunately, you are prepared to man up and strive for a strong personal presence. In following the Man Blog, you’ve made your first step towards greatness; it only remains to embark upon an exciting quest for a well-tailored character. Take these three style tips to heart, apply the base concepts to your personality, and you will never have to explain your 'scene' to a protesting female.

1. Choose the right pair of oxfords. When determining what defines your personality, you must choose the aspects that are able to go to the end of the world (and back) with you. Some may equate this with their dashing sense of humor and ability to see the funny side of every situation, while others pack a sparkling wit and an innate sense of direction. Like a snug pair of shoes, this foundational part of you must endure what the street-level demons throws at you – be it mud, dust of the road, or even a well placed taxi.

2. Select a practical tie. Face it – your tie should define you more clearly than your nametag. Too wide, you seem overstated and wordy; too slim, you appear mysterious and even dangerously unsubstantive (though there is a setting for skinny ties). Similarly, some behaviors will always define you. Your treatment of women, choice of words, appreciation of friends, and knowledge of man skills are your tie. Choose them wisely, and the world will notice.

3. Search for the perfect jacket. World War II wasn’t won in a day, Ross Perot didn’t get votes with his first chart, and the first jacket you wear won’t fit like a glove. Granted, Perot still doesn’t get votes, but with effort, you will find a sport coat that seems like it was made for you. Lifestyles evolve and become more complex as the years go on. Though yours will change with your age, take care when considering rebuilding it altogether. Yes, alterations need to be made, but like the sport coat, finding one that fits well is a rare experience. Hold on to what holds you together.

The worst possible thing that could happen to a band with their sophomore release is a change in musical style; likewise, the worst possible thing you can do is change your behavior when it's working for you. Unlike Daniel Powter, you want more than fifteen minutes of fame. Commit yourself to an approach and continue to improve upon your imperfections or you'll end up with more than a 'Bad Day'. Take a step in the right direction, follow through, keep moving, and you will be on your way to a well-tailored disposition in no time.

As always,

Godspeed.

MOTMB

The Killer Pri

Brethren,

A storm approaches our fair shores.

I am not referring to the droves of locust-like tourist that crowd our streets, or the Hollister graphic tees that blind our eyes. Despite the dire situation caused by the aforementioned social illnesses, this storm is taking lives at a far greater pace, striking with a much higher mortality rate.

As the end of spring nears, we must address this casualty in our midst. In times of such trouble, any loss can prove catastrophic; this is no exception.

Gentlemen, this killer is the ‘man-pri’.

Men in our fair city – and around the nation – are taking their European-inspired metrosexuality for a spin, donning an overly long pair of tight shorts or extremely short khakis that resemble women’s capris, and shamelessly flaunting their pale ankles.  In summary, our brothers resemble our old nemesis as they cruise the streets of the city in search of a clueless woman that will mistake their miserable mishaps as a "fashion-forward" statement.

We must end such atrocities. The murder of manhood cannot be tolerated.

But what can the average Joe do to save his country? He must destroy every victim. Kill the manpris, before they kill you. Shop for yourself, even when your significant other offers her advice. Above all, wear manly shorts. Don’t hesitate in the limbo between trousers and their cool-minded cousins! If you choose to show your ankles, present the world with the entirety your God-given leg hair! Take hold of your time to shine and live to win this summer.

I realize that the brevity of this post may shock readers hoping for sharp, witty, anecdotes or sage wisdom. However, touching stories and cheap laughs come second to these horrific tragedies. Stay strong.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

The Daily Doodle

FIG. 4 - Fire-Breathing Penguin Doodle

NOTE : This doodle was completed by the artist in 30 seconds as part of a challenge. 

The Daily Doodle

FIG. 3 - Angry Pencil Doodle

The Man Council

        "No man is an island" 
                        -John Donne


There comes a time in every man's life when he needs help. The portrait of "real men" that depicts them as lone wolves- angry and maladjusted- is wrong. Every great man surrounds himself with other great men. David had his mighty men, Jason his Argonauts, Arthur his knights.


A while ago The Men of The Man Blog published a short article on the importance of wingmen. Every man needs a wingman, this is axiomatic. Wingmen only operate in the heat of battle though. When the dust settles and Maverick walks away from his F-14 Tomcat, the wingman's job ends. The battle is over.


In those breaks between battles Man Councils are essential. A Man Council usually consists of three or four guys who give each other advice. Man Councils are usually intentional, occurring at mealtimes or during other manly activities (e.g. war movies, working out, coffee and a donut). Man Councils never happen without some other activity going on as well. Guys don't get together to just "talk." Man Councils are not support groups. They are meant to solve problems while preserving other productive undertakings.


During the Man Council there is no fixed structure for the dialogue. Structure is the fast track to disaster. Structure fosters the "support group mentality" that strangles manliness and stifles genuine conversation. Man Councils are not about "sharing," they are about finding the root of the problem and fixing it.


Some of you may say, "But, Men of The Man Blog!!! Sharing is good! It helps us expose our deepest struggles and fears."


You are wrong.


Sharing is not focused. Sharing opens the floodgates of irrelevant information, dousing listeners in a veritable torrent of emotion and psycho-babble. Man Councils are focused. One problem. One solution. One of the members doesn't know what to do. The other members pool their collective knowledge and give him an answer.


Emotion is not weakness. I hope we have made that clear on this blog. The problem is that emotion often gets in the way of problem solving. The point of a Man Council is to help a man in the thick of a problem step outside of his circumstances and view his situation objectively. Emotion can blur this objectivity and hamper the effectiveness of good advice.


David, Jason, and Arthur all needed their soldiers by their sides because they could not win their battles on their own. Nor could they have won them with just a single man at their side. Sometimes a man needs more help. Lone wolves are just that: lonely creatures that most people are scared of. If you are set on being a wolf, get a wolf pack. Surround yourself with quality gentlemen, men who know you, men who are willing to be honest with you and seek the best for you.


As the proverb says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."


I would amend this to say, "As a bench grinder sharpens iron, so a Man Council sharpens a man."


Every man needs a Man Council.

The Daily Doodle

Doodles are odd things. Even though they are a tool, good doodles can't be produced on command. A doodle must be formed and sculpted, but spontaneous at the same time. While I could parry this "doodling philosophy" into an extensive metaphor about how a man should be poised, prepared and yet totally extemporaneous, I will save that rant for another day. 

Bottom line: Doodles have to flow organically. That is why my doodles (although the one below doesn't) often proceed from the material I am listening to. The doodle below is a gnomish fellow with a flamethrower- no relation to the lecture at all. 

FIG. 2 - Gnome-with-a-flamethrower Doodle 

From The Enemy Camp: Words of pseudo-wisdom from a lady on the other side

Dear Sirs, Noble Gentlemen, and Knights in Shining Armor,

It is my pleasure to address you on this exceptional day.  Disclaimer: although I am addressing you from the “enemy camp” and can, after many years of experience  (i.e. late-night ice cream talks) provide an accurate view of the female mind, I cannot claim insight to every female mind. Such ability would require divine intervention.

So… the question hovering before all your eyes is: “Why?”

“Why on earth does she like that shlub?” “Why do they care about mascara?” “Why doesn’t she realize that I like her?” “Why is door-holding such a big deal?” “Why is chocolate like a drug?”

Yes. We women come with quite a few question marks—some perplexing, some obvious, some as of yet hidden and unknown to man. Let’s address the first one, shall we? What are we looking for when it comes to men? What do we want? To touch the tip of that iceberg today, I will address several misconceptions. Possible further conversations are at the mercy of these fine gentlemen.

Women want a man who is tall,

False. Tallness is completely arbitrary. If you are a midget—rally. Women don’t care if you’ve touched six feet, or gone toe-to-toe with Shaq. We care whether or not we can wear our favorite shoes when we are with you, and not look like the gorilla Homo-sapien of the duo.

dark,

False. Darkness is unnecessary. If you are a purebred albino, you still have a chance at truelove. (Maybe with a sunscreen rep, but still… you have a chance). The average woman cares more for your eye/hair combo than your swarthy appearance. Should you be freckle-y and redheaded, but have shockingly green eyes—bemoan not your freckles. They only serve to make us love your eyes more.

and handsome.

This one is true. Every woman wants a handsome man. But don’t bury your pug nose into your misshapen hands and moan. Women are not like men in their definition of “handsome.” You can be a complete dog (true!), but still have a drop-dead gorgeous woman claim you as a “hottie.”

Let me explain. The details of your appearance are not the determiners of our attraction. This explains the couples you see in every town, city, state, and nation. Next time you sip a cup o’ joe in your favorite java spot, take a look at the couples around you. How many are equal in attractiveness? How many adoring women are hanging on the arms of men, far inferior in appearance? Lots, right? How many Pierce Brosnan men are sweet-talking completely dog-faced women? Not so many.

It’s because the first thing we, as women, are attracted to is your general demeanor. Should you be intelligent—cite your most interesting facts. Witty—break out your banter. Quiet—listen intensely. Focus on her. Not yourself. Never forget that your service and thoughtfulness will serve you far better than six feet of solid manhood, dark swarthy skin, and ruggedly proportioned features. Remember her favorite latte (skim milk, no foam, extra hot, added shot, caramel macchiato) and you have an in. Listen to yet another “horrible hair cut” story, and you’re golden. Maximize your character’s best assets, and you will find a lady who finds you very handsome… despite your midget height and albino complexion.

Best of luck from the enemy camp,

Lady C.

The Daily Doodle

The authors of this blog have been contemplating adding this section for a while, but due to an inordinate amount of procrastination no action was taken. Since it is a beautiful afternoon and my mind is working at its tip top, I have finally decided to publish The Daily Doodle. 

Let me take a moment to explain why doodles matter. While every man should aspire to be a model of self-control and attentiveness, The Men of The Man Blog understand that aspiring and being are two different things. There are some moments when attention slips or restraint fails and in those moments maintaining the appearance of self-control is invaluable. Doodles are a great way to appear to be engaged and alert. So while doodles are not the epitome of manliness, they are part of the journey to manliness.

FIG 1. - Guy-blowing-up-other-guy's-head doodle

The Second Face

This afternoon I was strolling down Park Avenue talking to my older brother, who is in town for the week. We’ve walked all over the city in the past few days. In fact, if I were to keep up this kind of trekking, I would probably go through several pairs of walking shoes every month.


While we have been walking the last couple of days my brother and I have briefly discussed the topic of shoes- not for longer than five minutes at a time of course. Any longer than five minutes and any guy risks entering the danger zone. Even over the summer, when I was working construction, my coworkers and I never talked about work boots for more than three minutes.


While men are not allowed to discuss footwear in detail, it is necessary for every man to knowledgeable about shoes. Shoes are a very important part of any first impression, and they can communicate quite a lot of information.


EXAMPLE: While my brother and I were walking back from Central Park today there was a man who came toward us on the sidewalk. He was in a group of young professional men. The whole group was totally homogeneous. Every guy looked like all the others. Except this one guy, let’s call him “Keith.” With every stride Keith put forward a light brown lace-up. The leather was polished and clean. The shoe was nicely stitched but not ostentatious. In an instant, this man, Keith, was set apart from the rest of his group.


Your shoes are your “second face.” They are the place a person pauses when looking you up, down, and then up again. A shabby pair of lace-ups can ruin the nicest suit. However, the opposite is also true. As our friend Keith demonstrated, your shoes can set you apart. In fact, the only things that set Keith apart were his shoes.


In closing, do not confuse my intentions in this post. I am by no means advocating expanding your shoe collection or turning into some fashion-crazed metro. God forbid. All I am trying to say is that shoes shouldn’t be ignored. All the men that read this blog now have immunity to go shoe shopping- in a manly and brief fashion. It’s okay. Go buy yourself a good pair of wingtips.


HISTORICAL NOTE: In ancient Rome, the soldiers wore very distinctive sandals. They had to be very well constructed for long marches, but they also served another purpose. Every soldier’s sandals had nails driven through the sole to provide traction on treacherous terrain, but the nails also made a loud clicking noise when the soldiers marched on paved roads or rocky terrain. As legions of soldiers marched on a city the nails would strike the ground in unison. Each soldier’s sandals clicking as he marched. All the soldiers marching together would create a thunderous noise with each step. Shoes were a part of Roman warfare. They matter.

Don't Hate the Game, Read the Rule Book

Once upon a time, a knight in shining armor received summons to rescue a princess. After he rescued her, they fell in love and lived happily ever after. Years later, another young knight set out to rescue a princess and realized that he had two damsels to save rather than one! Injustice? Possibly, yet fate was not nearly so just to a different knight who had to climb up a rope of human hair, nor to another who rescued his charge and received no loving gratitude at all. Rather, the former faced the wrath of a witch and the latter was forced to flee the government (and take refuge in a recently vacated swamp with a few snails an overly talkative ass). Misfortune? Hardly. Yet something engendered such changes; every effect has a cause at its roots.

Gentlemen, clearly the game has changed.

Your mandate used to consist of the pursuit of true love, fighting off the dragons, vanquishing competing suitors, and settling down in a castle on a few hundred acres of prime real estate. However, in today’s world, men must forget both dragons and real estate (let’s face it, either market is hardly cheery), leaving only competing suitors and finding a true love. While the reader may not believe in love at all, competing suitors are a very harsh reality.

How can you defy gravity and rise among the masses to win the heart of a distant hope? What must you do to be the only dragon-slayer on your block?

Men, much as Taylor Swift sings about such things, game is not the dark grey shirts you wear or the suave you employ. Furthermore, there is definitely not going to be any magic in the air if you make your appearance sporting Affliction’s latest collection and string of puka shells while spouting pickup lines. Fortunately, every disease has a cure, and the following hints are exactly what the doctor prescribed.

1) Wit is the voice of style. Humor gets her every time, a well-placed joke gets you a second date, and there’s a reason Andy Samberg gets Kirsten Dunst and Natalie Portman in the same year. It’s no secret that the guy who can drink the most, flirt the fastest, and drop more pickup lines in a minute will never ever get anywhere worth going. They’re a dime a dozen and women – especially ones worth your time – are looking for something much more (most gravitate towards sparkling personalities and dashing good looks.) 

Curiously, the most interesting man in the world does not look like Brad Pitt. Not all of us have the capabilities of the former, or of Mr. Samberg, but make her laugh often enough and she is yours. Your distinctive wit gives you a distinctive flavor. Perfect it until it becomes a taste she cannot resist.

2) Take genuine interest in the princess, but also make sure your Fiona takes interest in you. There are few things more wretched than a man who continues to pursue a girl that pays no attention to him whatsoever. The short list of lesser beings includes the whipped, the bro, and The Situation. Yes, she may be the only girl for you, but after countless strikeouts, clearly you’re low on her list of priorities. If you want to earn back your self-respect, take a breather. Get her off of your mind, enjoy the life of a man, and jump back into the tide when you feel called to do so. No pressure.

Men, if you are breathing and you have a pulse, life is good. Observing these two simple rules will catapult you towards your lady before you know it, saving you considerable amounts of time and cash along the way. Yes, the goal is to find a true love, but the goal is also to get hitched to one helluva camper. There are tried and true methods of winning over four bedroom motor-homes with a built-in garage, but take care to recognize the changing nature of the game. Above all, always read the rule book first. 

Godspeed,

MOTMB

So Your Flight Was Cancelled... Again

Struggles define a man. The trials and tribulations he endures throughout his life will leave the greatest impressions on his character. When a guy finally takes off his boots, sits back in the chair on his porch, and lights up a cigar to settle into his eccentric and peculiarly exciting retirement, he’ll look back on misadventures and realize that most of what he knows was learned during adversarial times. Maybe he’ll even chuckle once or twice, and, at very least, be able to wildly exaggerate the entire experience into a fascinating story about a scar which he actually got while slicing baby carrots (I kid you not, they are surprisingly hard to cut without turning them into projectiles.)

Today’s men don’t face tough times with the same resolve as we used to. I don’t know if tight jeans have squeezed the manliness out of them or simply caused poor circulation, but most men quaver with fear at the smallest bump in the road. Fifty years ago, guys our age had just finished fighting the Nazis. Now days it's not uncommon to hear a conversation such as the following among men in our society: “Oh my Gawd! It’s sunny outside today and I have to walk all 10 blocks to work! I would have used my SPF 15 facial moisturizer instead of regular today if I had known. What if I start to sweat?? Ugh! And I’m wearing black. Totally unflattering to my fairtastic complexion in direct sun!” Modern men: this is not a crisis as much as it’s a gender identity issue you have because you spent too much time idolizing Madonna as a child rather than digging holes in your back yard so you could hide the small animal you just hunted from your dad.

So man up. Next time troubles come lurking, look them square in the eyes, and dare them to blink. Just make sure before you go to draw that you didn’t bring a Pixie stick to a gun fight. The point is to learn, not to die. You need to make sure before you try to beat the odds, you can survive the odds beating you.

Enter The Man Blog. We’re here to make sure that when troubles descend upon you like locust from hell, we’ve equipped you with enough Raid to take care of them all… like a man. Stock these following lessons on your garage shelves next to your tools and use copiously when needed.

Today, many find themselves frequently traveling in their continual pursuit of perfect manhood. For all of the blessings it’s brought, air travel has bestowed one drooling monster of a curse on man: flight cancelation.

Nothing ruins a trip and throws off your mojo faster than than when you’ve been delayed all day, only to wind up in a strange airport further away from your destination when you started. Now you face the bleak prospect of spending the night in the airport surrounded by hundreds of snarling stranded fellow passengers, how do you survive? Put simply, read on. The MOTMB will show you how to become king of your departure gate’s Hooverville in minutes.

RULE # 1 – Always carry $25 in any denomination of small bills.

·      This is sufficient to sustain you overnight from vending machine food with enough extra to trade with the natives. Try to avoid coins, they fall out of pockets easily and make you feel guilty if you have to refuse someone bumming for a Coke. Also, keep your bills in different pockets of your suit, no more than $5 in each. Spreading cash out like this gives off the appearance that you indeed do have a limited amount, making bargain hunters more likely to keep prices low.

RULE # 2 – Always wear a suit.

·      First Class? Yes please! Is what you will be saying when you rock a suit into the terminal. Imagine you’re King Henry V of England. How do people know you’re the King? You wear a crown. Imagine you’re competing with 100 other people for the last seat on a flight. Why does the lady behind the desk chose you? Because you’re wearing a suit and it’s 5:30AM. Enough said. The suit also doubles as a psychological weapon, fighting off potential claim jumpers trying to steal your outlet.

RULE # 3 – Never travel without desirable snacks.

·      This is probably the most important of them all. Example: on a recent trip cancelations were bad and flights were rough, we lost a lot of good men on that trip. I’m in a holding pattern over Charlotte S.C. for 45 minutes (for the second time that night) and I need something to drink before I lose my mind, but my cash is gone. What do I do? Thankfully I planned ahead. I was able to barter the Trefoil Girl Scout cookies I purchased earlier for a rum and coke. Cost of cookies: $3.50. Rum and Coke: $7. Not a bad return on the investment. Take note that Hershey’s chocolate bars are also worth their weight in gold in these situations. 

RULE # 4 – Carry an intelligent book to read.

·      A friend of mine uses Machiavelli's Prince, but any book on philosophy or economic theory will do. This shows those around you that you’re sophisticated and not one to be messed with. If the situation gets real messy, it can always be used as fuel for fire.

RULE # 5 – Always stay equable.

·      Nothing should make you lose your cool, even if it’s clear you’re surrounded by incompetence. No matter what happens, you should be able to laugh it off, or at least muster up a good smirk. As documented by personal experience, particularly grueling days of traveling end at 1AM, with the plane being evacuated on the tarmac because flames began shooting out of the belly. If this were a movie, I’d be laughing; why not try to do it now?

RULE # 6 – If all else fails, don’t be afraid to get creative.

·      If I had a dime for every time an airline ruined dinner plans with my girlfriend - at which I had intended to propose - or a meeting with investors that I was late for, I could buy my own jet. Be mindful, however, that such statements are only believable when coming from a man in a suit. Creativity won’t always get you a flight, but it’s normally good for food vouchers at the very least.

Where Have All the Wingmen Gone?

Traditions and folklore passed down from days of yore have taught us many things: moss always grows on the north side of trees, cows lie down before it rains, frogs don’t run in the daytime for nothing, there was bloodshed the night before a red dawn, pirates won’t chase a dirty ship, the toilets flush the opposite way below the equator - I digress. 

One of the most sacred traditions passed down is that of the Wingman. The Wingman is a concept as old as stones, and one that should not be taken lightly. This tradition stands head and shoulders above all others that have been given to us from the past. Glory’s trail has been blazed not by the lone wolf, but by two men, brothers in arms valiantly beating the odds. Gilgamesh had his Enkido, the Lion had his Mouse, Lewis his Clark, Sinatra had Martin, and Batman would be nowhere without Alfred Pennyworth.

The only problem with Wingmen is they’re hard to find. It’s pretty common to find yourself in the O.K. Coral but it’s not every day that you’ll have a Doc Holiday with you. Why is this? The answer should be obvious: The Wingman almost never gets the girl, fame, or whatever it is you’re searching for. Robin dresses in only underwear and when was the last time you saw Rizzo the Rat out on the town with Miss Piggy? No one wants this job. The difficulty lies in finding someone willing to make you look good at all costs.

Look for these traits in prospective Wingmen. If you can get a lock on someone that demonstrates the below qualities, you’ll avoid ending up Goose.

#1 - Loyalty:

·      There’s nothing more important than this. You need a Wingman that is willing to die for you when the situation calls. If it’s about to hit the fan, your Wingman better not split. Make sure you’re willing to do the same for him.

#2 – Understand the Same Language:

·      Forget English, your Wingman should be able to communicate telepathically with you.

#3 – Know the Buzzwords 

·      Buzzwords are useful. They should be references to common experiences or personal interests. For instance, my buddies and I can completely describe a girl using nothing other than stock trading and banking terminology. Bullish? Damn straight.

#4 – Work a Crowd

·      Everyone has an opening act. Bands, monster truck rallies, even Stephen Colbert. Why shouldn’t you have one too? Enter Wingman. Just be sure he’s not funnier than you. If he is, time to start your search over again.

#5 – He Pumps You Up

·      Sometimes you need a coach and a motivator. Your Wingman should be able to pump you up and pull you out of a slump. He needs to be able to provide an outside perspective on what’s going on and tell you when to take on a target or sit the next few plays out.

Don’t even think about going through life without a good Wingman, you’ll be lost. If it's good enough for fighter pilots it should be good enough for you. You need someone to provide you with strategic intelligence to help you navigate rocky terrain. He’s like a coach: you’re better at the game than him, but someone has to provide strategy and keep you together.

When all else fails, remember: The only thing you owe the public is a good performance, so give it to 'em.