Man Lessons: Shaving

There are two schools of thought when it comes to shaving:


The first dictates the traditional, after-shower shave. The second is an anything-goes cavalier style that allows shaving at any time.


I will spare the readers of this post (all three of you) a diatribe about how society is ripping manliness from men by maligning facial hair. I would like to point out though that shaving was relatively rare in America just over a hundred years ago. Manliness was equated with how much hair a man could carefully nurture on his upper lip and chin. Hipsters, I applaud you for your defiance of culture in this area.


Since we have to shave though, it is very useful to learn the proper time to do so. The time at which you shave can be just as important as the manner in which you do it. I won't get into technique in this post. If you didn't have a male figure who cared enough about you to teach you how to shave, tough luck. I suppose you still have YouTube.


Like I mentioned before, there are two schools of thought when it comes to when you shave. When you shave, do you want your pores open or closed? It is generally accepted that it is easier to shave when your pores are open, however, there are two ways to open up your pores. (Dry shaving, an intolerable practice, will not be addressed in this post)


When you get out of the shower, your pores are gaping and ready to have their whiskers gently sliced by a clean, sharp razor. The heat of the water opens up your skin and allows for a smooth, comfortable shave (Plagiarism Note: I stole this sentence from a Gillette commercial).


If you are going to shave without having taken a shower, the easiest way to open up your pores is to soak a hand towel in hot water, wrap it around your face for a minute or two and then commence your shave. This method will also open up your pores. The advantage of this second method is that your shaving time is not shackled to the time slot immediately following your shower. You are free to shave whenever it suits your fancy. The downsides are that you will have a thoroughly wet towel afterwards and the temptation to forego the hot towel before the shave is very strong. If the towel is forgotten your pores will not be open when you shave, which will result in dry skin and that excruciating "stretched" feeling.


Gentlemen, I tried to present both methods without slant, but I must confess I am an after-shower shaver. I have found over the course of my "shaving life" that the after-shower shave conforms best to my lifestyle.  It is up to you to choose, however.


Lesson Learned:
Cultivating facial hair is one of the last bastions of manliness. Take care to not abuse your privilege, men.

Rule No. 2 – Wear the Pants

Whipped.

This single word, spoken with disdain by men around the world, can be a catastrophic social death knell. As men, we rarely discuss our emotions or critique our relationships; we simply understand the things that aren’t voiced. When a fellow man overcomes this stigma and risks instigating tension to let you know this, the bell tolls for thee.

Now I’m not saying that you should get married with a timeline like this guy, or you might end up with this little guy.  But remember that getting whipped is the worst possible outcome of any relationship; you’re sliding down a slippery slope. Frankly, it unnerves brethren to see one of their own so subjugated.

There are many secrets to avoiding this social humiliation, but most cases can be avoided or reversed by following one simple rule.

Wear the pants.

Plain and simple, men, this is what will change your relationships from unbearable subjugation to destination salvation. So how do you avoid getting whipped? Write the following three rules on your heart and consult them whenever your significant other tries to take the lead.

1. Dress yourself. This may seem unrelated, but picture this: an upstanding man in the community arrives at a party and steps out of his car wearing a nice shirt and some classy jeans. Sounds fine, right? Wrong. Within seconds, his girlfriend and her circle of friends exit the backseat. She proceeds to describe the afternoon shopping excursion that embarked with the sole purpose of purchasing our man’s $189 designer shirt, after which, they got matching Caramel Frappuchinos. Obviously, she’s taken over his car, she’s taken over his house, and she’s definitely taken over his wallet. Game over.

2. Plan the dates. Men don’t like obligation, and we don’t like to be tied down. However, if you let your woman plan each and every date, you’ll be in a worse situation than these guys. You'll look like the woman, if you're at this point, you'll probably act like the woman, and you are in a place of grave peril.

3. Have other friends. You've seen the guys who live for their girlfriends - there is more to life than a single relationship. Stock the fridges in the man cave, have a poker night, and branch out. You do not want to be the guy who has one friend at work, a wife, and absolutely nothing else. They make movies about such pathetic souls. Regularly.

Men, don't get me wrong, men and women naturally gravitate towards each other. It's science, it's a created order, and it's how things are meant to be. However, in today's world, men all to readily give up control of their lives for a woman who doesn't actually need to be in charge. 

Take a little initiative, change the dynamic of the relationship, and realize your intrinsic greatness. It can be done, it should be done; all it takes is a strong man and a little help from us.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

The 100m Hurdles

Men, what do you do when you are interested in a young lady?


Every man has that girl. Yes, you are totally into this girl. When your mind wanders it usually wanders to thoughts of her. You start rereading text messages she has sent you (yes, we all do.)


How do they do it? None can tell. Yet suddenly iPod playlists include a lot less Lil' Wayne, Dragonforce, and Led Zeppelin and a lot more Boys Like Girls, John Mayer, and Ingrid Michaelson.


Now, let's assume that this young lady isn't sure what to think of her gentleman admirer. You know her. You have been talking; she may like you, she may not.


The fact is, you still have some pursuing to do.


At this point in a relationship, the games are afoot. Let's use the analogy of a foot race, 100m hurdles.


The man now faces two obstacles (I know there are more hurdles in the 100m, but just humor me.)


The first hurdle is the temptation to follow your inclinations. Men, under no circumstances do what you want to do. That has been the death of so many budding relationships. You want to tell this girl how you feel. Don't. You have an innate urge to call/text her every minute of the day. Don't. You want to hang out with her every night of the week. Don't. You cannot seem desperate. *Universal Truth* -  Girls hate it when guys are clearly desperate.


The second hurdle is to somehow remain a gentleman at the same time you are ignoring your inclinations. If there is a purpose to this blog, it is to encourage every man to be a gentleman. It's very hard to do though when you are semi-ignoring a woman. You should be nice to her without fawning all over her. Channel your best Clark Gable. Every piece of your being will tell you to flirt with her. You must say no.


*NOTE* When ignoring your inclinations and still being a gentleman, your friends are a valuable resource. They can remind you of the goal when you lose sight of it. They can grab you, shake you until your nose bleeds, and refuse to let you out of the apartment until you clear your head. Friends can also take your phone away - an extreme measure that is sometimes warranted. Bottom line, they can help you when you are weak.


Don't follow your inclinations. Be a gentleman. Rely on your friends.


Remember these tips when you are interested in a young lady, men, and you will succeed.

Fast Track to a Little Self-Respect

Yesterday, I encountered a grave problem in the world of men.

As I was tackling some intense theoretical math, I was alerted to the presupposition that some think that our essence is “looking good and eating barbeque.” 


This is false.

Our modern culture defines “manliness” as the exhibition of activities that are specific to our sex, and often emphasizes the most vulgar of these. The MOTMB are here to tell you that, while this may be manliness, manhood entails much more than such essential, yet misleading activities.

The barbeque has long been heralded as the domain of man, and rightfully so; any glistening stainless steel surface that weathers scorching heat, braves the charcoal flames, and holds sixteen ounces of tastefully prepared pure red meat should belongs a male. Yet in these situations, we are portrayed as such base animals that even the mention of similar pursuits evokes callous images like this.

What can we do to rectify the situation?

Have some self-respect! Try to think like a man and, chances are, you'll actually be one in no time at all. Make just a few basic changes to your barbeque technique, apply them to the rest of your life, and you can become the man you want to be with the flip of a steak.

1. Do NOT wear an apron. You will look absurd. Sure, they may be timeless, but they’re not meant for guys. You’re either going to be walking around in a piece of cloth that resembles a dress, or you’re going to be tying and untying a bow every two minutes. For those who aren’t following, that’s a lose-lose situation. Man up, take a chance. No woman can condemn you for taking a walk on the wild side and risking collision with a rogue drop of barbeque sauce. At the very least, do us all a favor and make sure it doesn’t say, this.

2. Use a recipe. Ok, maybe it doesn't have to be that detailed, but have some idea of what you're doing before you begin. It may be adventurous to fly by the seat of your pants, but is it adventurous to spend the afternoon listening to your stomach growl? I’ll let you be the judge.

3. Don’t rely on your internal timer. It’s flawless when it’s counting down to the newest issue of Motor Trend, but the steak and your ego demand a little more respect.

4. Finally, get creative. Follow the rules above, and then make it interesting! There are two types of picnics: Church picnics and good picnics. Which one would you take a woman to? Keep it classy and a touch crazy.

Are the above rules an unforgivable generalization about barbeque technique? Probably. Do they embody a solid core of truth? Absolutely. Men, we are here to change the way you do business with a world that takes our behavior for granted.  Think outside of the box and apply these rules to every aspect of your life.

Stereotypes exist because we have done nothing to combat them. Every picture from this article came from the first page of an image search for man. This is unacceptable. From this point forward, take your barbeque etiquette and your game to new levels, while doing your best to destroy such obscene and sordid falsehood.

Godspeed,

MOTMB 

You Can't Beat the House

Men, a tale of triumph: 

Yesterday I was arguing with a foolish young female freshman at my college – in the middle of class.  Neither of us had any real point, except to outwit and embarrass the other.  Twenty minutes after our little tiff began, the class ended, and so did our tiff.  I tried to forget about the incident.

I returned to my apartment after class and got ready to go to the gym.  But I knew that this brief burst of motivation wouldn’t last all the way to 23^rd street.  Instead, I ate a bunch of Valentines Day candy (the benefit of having secret admirers) and gazed at my already awesome muscles, while reciting in the mirror “Are you not entertained?!”  I was entertained.

Anyway, I looked good.  But I decided to move on, so I walked into the living area of my two-room apartment, yelled at my roommates for watching figure skating, and logged onto Facebook to see if any cute girls had “friended” me.  I was disappointed.  The only thing waiting for me was a red flag in my notification box.  I clicked on the flag to find that the same foolish female that wasted my intellectual time during class was back for round two. 

Apparently she recognized that I had won the first match, and wanted to reestablish her emotional confidence.  This is basically how it went: she dissed me, I was cordial, she dissed me again, I was merciful, she tried a third time, I punished her.  My comment was a well-blended cocktail of intellectual knowledge, cleverly placed personal slams, and condescension.  I even threw in some philosophy and references to vector calculus for kicks.  I never got a response so I guess I won.

There isn’t a moral to this story, just a rule.  Men are born with the innate ability to be logical and witty.  Thus, when it comes to debates, men are the house (in casino terms), and the house never loses.  A female might be able to go on a run, but she can never beat the house.  The only part of the house that a female really needs to worry about is the kitchen (and the laundry).  Leave the business negotiations to the big boys – strike the “big.”

Note: I was just served cheese and crackers by this young lady. The universe is in order. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ou0X5D8KKB0

Saving Suave

Gentlemen and Various Intrepid Souls:

Something is broken in society, and it’s not just my Toyota’s brakes. There was a day when men spoke ease and sardonic wit. They carried themselves with confidence and whenever a damsel was in distress, they knew how to rescue her with style. They didn’t need money to put on a class act or a high-powered job to charm couture ladies. Let’s face it boys, these men had game.

Today, the story is much different. The towering giants of testosterone men once looked to for instruction like Bogart and Grant are gone and forgotten. Today we’re more like Jonah Hill: fat, and unkept. Shlubs like Jonah couldn’t land Lauren Bacall, much less toss her a matchbook with a debonair flick of his wrist.

Modern men are scared by everything and they let it show; whether it’s their latte being too hot and steamed with 2% milk rather than soy, or worrying about whether or not Jen will ever find the right guy. They Tweet their moods and think that just because they can tell the world about everything they’re doing some dame will notice and find it attractive. Good luck with that stunad.

What’s missing is Suavity: a thick lather of class to recondition us and forever remove the dandruff of aloofness from our shoulders.

Unfortunately, being suave isn’t easy. It takes a lot to get to the top and stay there. The perfect look, a simple hand gesture, and the one-liner are elemental keys that almost defy mastery. Life is the game, and suavity is like memorizing the Trivial Pursuit cards. Nothing surprises you, and if it does, no one would know.

The MOTMB are here to give you those Trivial Pursuit cards. If you need charm, wit, and a dash of sophistication—swag, as it were—look no further. To start with, we’ll equip you with two simple words of wisdom. Whether you leave these bloodied and forgotten on the side of the road, or take them home and nourish them is your own choice, but choose wisely.

W.O.W. #1 – If Nero was Emperor, Why Aren’t You?  

·      Are we stupid? Probably. A little ugly? Undoubtedly. Inbred and crazy? Hopefully not and most certainly. Before we get too down on ourselves, lets remember this: Crazy people rule kingdoms all the time. If a full-on retard can become emperor of Rome, a man of mild intelligence like you can certainly become ruler of his domain. If you don’t know how to be in control, act like you do, most people will never tell the difference.

W.O.W # 2 – Study and Quote The Classics

·      Several professors may be beaming at this suggestion, but I’m not talking about the Great Books Program. I’m talking about The True Classics: Bogart, Grant, Brando, Newman, Citizen Kane, and Bugs Bunny. Study these fellows and practice their moves. Most importantly, steal their lines. Everything great has already been said, and most of what that funny guy you know says is recycled from old movies anyway. It’s time you pulled a 'Specs' O'Keefe and stole some lines of your own.

If you remember nothing else, remember this: The only thing you owe the public is a good performance, so let ‘em have it.

Rule No. 1: Exit Strategies

Men like Jason Statham have a cardinal rule.

No, it's not driving fine cars and dating exceptional women. It doesn't even involve handguns or explosives. In fact, it's nothing more than a rather glorified variant of the age-old wisdom, "Look twice before you cross the street." Simple? Yes. Dispensable? Absolutely not.

Picture this: you're walking the streets of Tokyo at three in the morning, covered in rain and the refuse of society. As you saunter down a dark alleyway, you exude the confidence of one who does not know the dangers of such situations. However, you are fully prepared. Why? Because you looked twice before you entered the alleyway, and you'll look again before you proceed into the shadows. Men who excel at anything always have an exit strategy.

This is what Jason Bourne, the Transporter, Marines, and Joseph Smith all have in common. Each can stroll into a room without a backward glance, but they still have the uncanny ability to disappear when the time comes. As men, we must all learn how to get out of a tight situation, while preserving our honor, pride, and the occasional dinner jacket.

Flawless exit strategies can be nearly as varied as the situations that call for them, so an exhaustive approach would be nigh impossible. However, here are a few basic rules that can be applied to many situations.

1.  Never enter unarmed. This is critical, because even the best strategy can be completely nullified by a lack of physical preparation. Train yourself in martial arts, bring a revolver, and pack that extra piece of gum (or garlic) for an iffy date night.

2. Break the rules. You can't get away and obey the speed limit, and you can't avoid dinner plans without calling in a few distractions. Enough said.

3. Stay cool under fire. No matter what happens, stay calm. Whether you're actually under fire or you're desperately searching for a lifeline during afternoon coffee, no one will benefit from screaming and crying. Dry those tears and don't give up.

4. The all-important wingman. Your buddy from work or a lifelong acquaintance will quickly become your best friend after he rescues you against all odds. Always keep him (or possibly her) on speed dial. Finally, make sure you don't forget them; they deserve a soda, fist bump, and even some In-N-Out burger to reward such valiant actions.

Sticking to these basics will catapult you out of the amateur arena and straight to the big leagues. Just be sure to remember one thing. Even though you've hit the big time, you're not an all-star yet; practice makes perfect, and an exit strategy is only one facet of a true man's toolkit.

Godspeed,

MOTMB

Man Lessons: PowerPoint

STORY:


PowerPoint is a tool. It is very useful for communicating messages. So says my Business Communications book. I don't have any experience with PowerPoint, or pretty much anything that has to do with computers, but I am determined to master PowerPoint. I will bend it to my will.


My first step on this journey to PowerPoint domination began two weeks ago in Business Communications class. The assignment was to construct a PowerPoint based on a particularly dry passage in a book we were reading for class. I saw this as an opportunity to ignore what was in the book and do whatever I wanted, like a man. So I did.


45 minutes and 212 Google Images searches later I had my PowerPoint. What began as a meaningless collection of clipart and random images was carefully refined into a really cool collection of clipart and random images. I beat PowerPoint.


(As proof see Fig. 1)


Fig. 1 - My PowerPoint Slide

(Main complaint against this slide in class: The violence in the picture is too hard to see. Win.)




Man Lesson Learned: 


When making a PowerPoint presentation, remember, violence can never be overdone.

Welcome to The Man Blog

Men.

The time has come to man-up and do what it takes. Society wants us to do the dishes, wear pink, and listen to Celine Dion.... at the same time. This is wrong.

The Man Blog is here to right these wrongs and give men everywhere an alternative to a life spent as a weakling.

Imagine. If you went through Jason Statham's garbage, what would you find? Probably a few empty bullet casings, a castaway pair of numchucks, an endorsement contract with BMW, Cuban cigars that didn't meet his standards, and the occasional '84 Bordeaux.

In my experience, such items never come in pink.

So go ahead. Wear that shirt, wash those dishes, but change the oil in your car and go to the shooting range to make up for it. Take a page out of Scott Brown's book and get named the Sexiest Man Alive and run for Senate. If it seems rugged, undeniably masculine, and violent, don't let society drain your virility. Maybe someday your garbage will reek of fine wines and enemies vanquished.

Godspeed, Brothers.

MOTMB