Don't Hate the Game, Read the Rule Book

Once upon a time, a knight in shining armor received summons to rescue a princess. After he rescued her, they fell in love and lived happily ever after. Years later, another young knight set out to rescue a princess and realized that he had two damsels to save rather than one! Injustice? Possibly, yet fate was not nearly so just to a different knight who had to climb up a rope of human hair, nor to another who rescued his charge and received no loving gratitude at all. Rather, the former faced the wrath of a witch and the latter was forced to flee the government (and take refuge in a recently vacated swamp with a few snails an overly talkative ass). Misfortune? Hardly. Yet something engendered such changes; every effect has a cause at its roots.

Gentlemen, clearly the game has changed.

Your mandate used to consist of the pursuit of true love, fighting off the dragons, vanquishing competing suitors, and settling down in a castle on a few hundred acres of prime real estate. However, in today’s world, men must forget both dragons and real estate (let’s face it, either market is hardly cheery), leaving only competing suitors and finding a true love. While the reader may not believe in love at all, competing suitors are a very harsh reality.

How can you defy gravity and rise among the masses to win the heart of a distant hope? What must you do to be the only dragon-slayer on your block?

Men, much as Taylor Swift sings about such things, game is not the dark grey shirts you wear or the suave you employ. Furthermore, there is definitely not going to be any magic in the air if you make your appearance sporting Affliction’s latest collection and string of puka shells while spouting pickup lines. Fortunately, every disease has a cure, and the following hints are exactly what the doctor prescribed.

1) Wit is the voice of style. Humor gets her every time, a well-placed joke gets you a second date, and there’s a reason Andy Samberg gets Kirsten Dunst and Natalie Portman in the same year. It’s no secret that the guy who can drink the most, flirt the fastest, and drop more pickup lines in a minute will never ever get anywhere worth going. They’re a dime a dozen and women – especially ones worth your time – are looking for something much more (most gravitate towards sparkling personalities and dashing good looks.) 

Curiously, the most interesting man in the world does not look like Brad Pitt. Not all of us have the capabilities of the former, or of Mr. Samberg, but make her laugh often enough and she is yours. Your distinctive wit gives you a distinctive flavor. Perfect it until it becomes a taste she cannot resist.

2) Take genuine interest in the princess, but also make sure your Fiona takes interest in you. There are few things more wretched than a man who continues to pursue a girl that pays no attention to him whatsoever. The short list of lesser beings includes the whipped, the bro, and The Situation. Yes, she may be the only girl for you, but after countless strikeouts, clearly you’re low on her list of priorities. If you want to earn back your self-respect, take a breather. Get her off of your mind, enjoy the life of a man, and jump back into the tide when you feel called to do so. No pressure.

Men, if you are breathing and you have a pulse, life is good. Observing these two simple rules will catapult you towards your lady before you know it, saving you considerable amounts of time and cash along the way. Yes, the goal is to find a true love, but the goal is also to get hitched to one helluva camper. There are tried and true methods of winning over four bedroom motor-homes with a built-in garage, but take care to recognize the changing nature of the game. Above all, always read the rule book first. 

Godspeed,

MOTMB