So Your Flight Was Cancelled... Again

Struggles define a man. The trials and tribulations he endures throughout his life will leave the greatest impressions on his character. When a guy finally takes off his boots, sits back in the chair on his porch, and lights up a cigar to settle into his eccentric and peculiarly exciting retirement, he’ll look back on misadventures and realize that most of what he knows was learned during adversarial times. Maybe he’ll even chuckle once or twice, and, at very least, be able to wildly exaggerate the entire experience into a fascinating story about a scar which he actually got while slicing baby carrots (I kid you not, they are surprisingly hard to cut without turning them into projectiles.)

Today’s men don’t face tough times with the same resolve as we used to. I don’t know if tight jeans have squeezed the manliness out of them or simply caused poor circulation, but most men quaver with fear at the smallest bump in the road. Fifty years ago, guys our age had just finished fighting the Nazis. Now days it's not uncommon to hear a conversation such as the following among men in our society: “Oh my Gawd! It’s sunny outside today and I have to walk all 10 blocks to work! I would have used my SPF 15 facial moisturizer instead of regular today if I had known. What if I start to sweat?? Ugh! And I’m wearing black. Totally unflattering to my fairtastic complexion in direct sun!” Modern men: this is not a crisis as much as it’s a gender identity issue you have because you spent too much time idolizing Madonna as a child rather than digging holes in your back yard so you could hide the small animal you just hunted from your dad.

So man up. Next time troubles come lurking, look them square in the eyes, and dare them to blink. Just make sure before you go to draw that you didn’t bring a Pixie stick to a gun fight. The point is to learn, not to die. You need to make sure before you try to beat the odds, you can survive the odds beating you.

Enter The Man Blog. We’re here to make sure that when troubles descend upon you like locust from hell, we’ve equipped you with enough Raid to take care of them all… like a man. Stock these following lessons on your garage shelves next to your tools and use copiously when needed.

Today, many find themselves frequently traveling in their continual pursuit of perfect manhood. For all of the blessings it’s brought, air travel has bestowed one drooling monster of a curse on man: flight cancelation.

Nothing ruins a trip and throws off your mojo faster than than when you’ve been delayed all day, only to wind up in a strange airport further away from your destination when you started. Now you face the bleak prospect of spending the night in the airport surrounded by hundreds of snarling stranded fellow passengers, how do you survive? Put simply, read on. The MOTMB will show you how to become king of your departure gate’s Hooverville in minutes.

RULE # 1 – Always carry $25 in any denomination of small bills.

·      This is sufficient to sustain you overnight from vending machine food with enough extra to trade with the natives. Try to avoid coins, they fall out of pockets easily and make you feel guilty if you have to refuse someone bumming for a Coke. Also, keep your bills in different pockets of your suit, no more than $5 in each. Spreading cash out like this gives off the appearance that you indeed do have a limited amount, making bargain hunters more likely to keep prices low.

RULE # 2 – Always wear a suit.

·      First Class? Yes please! Is what you will be saying when you rock a suit into the terminal. Imagine you’re King Henry V of England. How do people know you’re the King? You wear a crown. Imagine you’re competing with 100 other people for the last seat on a flight. Why does the lady behind the desk chose you? Because you’re wearing a suit and it’s 5:30AM. Enough said. The suit also doubles as a psychological weapon, fighting off potential claim jumpers trying to steal your outlet.

RULE # 3 – Never travel without desirable snacks.

·      This is probably the most important of them all. Example: on a recent trip cancelations were bad and flights were rough, we lost a lot of good men on that trip. I’m in a holding pattern over Charlotte S.C. for 45 minutes (for the second time that night) and I need something to drink before I lose my mind, but my cash is gone. What do I do? Thankfully I planned ahead. I was able to barter the Trefoil Girl Scout cookies I purchased earlier for a rum and coke. Cost of cookies: $3.50. Rum and Coke: $7. Not a bad return on the investment. Take note that Hershey’s chocolate bars are also worth their weight in gold in these situations. 

RULE # 4 – Carry an intelligent book to read.

·      A friend of mine uses Machiavelli's Prince, but any book on philosophy or economic theory will do. This shows those around you that you’re sophisticated and not one to be messed with. If the situation gets real messy, it can always be used as fuel for fire.

RULE # 5 – Always stay equable.

·      Nothing should make you lose your cool, even if it’s clear you’re surrounded by incompetence. No matter what happens, you should be able to laugh it off, or at least muster up a good smirk. As documented by personal experience, particularly grueling days of traveling end at 1AM, with the plane being evacuated on the tarmac because flames began shooting out of the belly. If this were a movie, I’d be laughing; why not try to do it now?

RULE # 6 – If all else fails, don’t be afraid to get creative.

·      If I had a dime for every time an airline ruined dinner plans with my girlfriend - at which I had intended to propose - or a meeting with investors that I was late for, I could buy my own jet. Be mindful, however, that such statements are only believable when coming from a man in a suit. Creativity won’t always get you a flight, but it’s normally good for food vouchers at the very least.