It is my pleasure to address you on this exceptional day. Disclaimer: although I am addressing you from the “enemy camp” and can, after many years of experience (i.e. late-night ice cream talks) provide an accurate view of the female mind, I cannot claim insight to every female mind. Such ability would require divine intervention.
So… the question hovering before all your eyes is: “Why?”
“Why on earth does she like that shlub?” “Why do they care about mascara?” “Why doesn’t she realize that I like her?” “Why is door-holding such a big deal?” “Why is chocolate like a drug?”
Yes. We women come with quite a few question marks—some perplexing, some obvious, some as of yet hidden and unknown to man. Let’s address the first one, shall we? What are we looking for when it comes to men? What do we want? To touch the tip of that iceberg today, I will address several misconceptions. Possible further conversations are at the mercy of these fine gentlemen.
Women want a man who is tall,
False. Tallness is completely arbitrary. If you are a midget—rally. Women don’t care if you’ve touched six feet, or gone toe-to-toe with Shaq. We care whether or not we can wear our favorite shoes when we are with you, and not look like the gorilla Homo-sapien of the duo.
dark,
False. Darkness is unnecessary. If you are a purebred albino, you still have a chance at truelove. (Maybe with a sunscreen rep, but still… you have a chance). The average woman cares more for your eye/hair combo than your swarthy appearance. Should you be freckle-y and redheaded, but have shockingly green eyes—bemoan not your freckles. They only serve to make us love your eyes more.
and handsome.
This one is true. Every woman wants a handsome man. But don’t bury your pug nose into your misshapen hands and moan. Women are not like men in their definition of “handsome.” You can be a complete dog (true!), but still have a drop-dead gorgeous woman claim you as a “hottie.”
Let me explain. The details of your appearance are not the determiners of our attraction. This explains the couples you see in every town, city, state, and nation. Next time you sip a cup o’ joe in your favorite java spot, take a look at the couples around you. How many are equal in attractiveness? How many adoring women are hanging on the arms of men, far inferior in appearance? Lots, right? How many Pierce Brosnan men are sweet-talking completely dog-faced women? Not so many.
It’s because the first thing we, as women, are attracted to is your general demeanor. Should you be intelligent—cite your most interesting facts. Witty—break out your banter. Quiet—listen intensely. Focus on her. Not yourself. Never forget that your service and thoughtfulness will serve you far better than six feet of solid manhood, dark swarthy skin, and ruggedly proportioned features. Remember her favorite latte (skim milk, no foam, extra hot, added shot, caramel macchiato) and you have an in. Listen to yet another “horrible hair cut” story, and you’re golden. Maximize your character’s best assets, and you will find a lady who finds you very handsome… despite your midget height and albino complexion.
Best of luck from the enemy camp,
Lady C.
Did a real girl even write this? Cause it's all pretty much bunk.
ReplyDeleteWhy, yes. A "real girl" did write this. As she states in her first paragraph, she doesn't claim to have insight into EVERY female. That being said, if women (outside of her acquaintance) do only want tall, dark, handsome men, with little regard to actions and character, then pity on the men, and shame on the women. This was the underlying message of the tongue-and-cheek writing...
ReplyDeleteThis was clearly written by Alexandra Harrison, or someone of similarly desperate status.
ReplyDelete